Boundary-Setting

Any woman reading this knows the difficulty we have in setting boundaries that honor us because we have been conditioned to take care of and nurture others so well. We do this quite naturally and usually with great pleasure. The problems arise when you feel resentful, angry, or frustrated about what you're doing for others or what others are doing to you or around you.

Boundaries are imaginary lines that help you protect yourself both physically and emotionally. They keep other's actions and behaviors from hurting, distracting, annoying, or imposing on you. External boundaries are limits you set on how others can treat you or behave around you. Internal boundaries involve your own thoughts and beliefs and the messages you send to yourself.

People treat you as you allow them to; however, you can actually teach others how to treat you based on how strong or weak your boundaries are. Having strong boundaries are important for protecting your body, mind, and spirit. Setting boundaries can make an enormous impact on the quality of your life. It is a major step in taking control of your life and vital for taking responsibility for your self and your life. It is the one skill that you most need to develop in order to create the kind of life you really want. However, it is often the area where most people seem to have the most difficulties.

Setting strong boundaries will help you stand up for yourself, stop agreeing to do things you really don't want to do, and start feeling less guilty about putting your own needs first. It is a part of the process of defining yourself and what is acceptable to you. When you don't have boundaries set other people will step over the line without even realizing where it is.

Boundary setting is not about getting other people to change (even though at first, it may seem that way). It is really about deciding what you will and won't tolerate any longer in your life, and then communicating this firmly and consistently whenever you need to. Boundaries are essential to becoming a healthy adult and balancing your work and personal life effectively. They demonstrate your commitment to self-respect.

I have provided a number of presentations to women's groups, organizations and associations about this topic. I have coached individual women and even a couple of men to help them gain awareness of where their boundaries were weak or existenttant and how to set and communicate boundaries. In groups of mothers, small business owners, and managers we've worked together and practiced boundary-setting.

It's very powerful to you and people around you when you institute your boundaries and stand up for yourself. It feels great to get the respect you deserve! Feel free to contact me for a complimentary coaching session so that I can help you set or enforce a boundary to help you honor yourself more.

Good luck!

Warmly,

Coach Natalie

P.S. Forgot to mention my new workbook that has a number of exercises that take you through the 7 key principles for creating more joy, balance and success in your work, family and personal life. It's not on my website yet, but it is available by special order. It retails for $19.95 plus shipping, handling ($4.50) and tax (1.20) for a total of $25.65. To order: send an email to natalie@superbusyparent.com with your name, mailing address, phone number and number requested.

Kids Activities in Your Super Busy Life

I observed two moms at a child's birthday party who were complaining to each other about their super busy lives. Of course, you must know how hard it is for me to restrain myself from jumping in to help! No one asked for my help, so I respected that.

Both moms have 3 children involved in a number of activities. One mom works part-time from her home and the other mom runs a (very) full-time family daycare business from her home 10-11 hours each day, Monday thru Friday. Both moms each have a husband who travels at least occasionally for business.

One of the moms was so exhausted by last Thursday (her husband was on the road) that after the daycare kids went home, her kids went to CCD, they came home and had dinner, got homework done, she was physically unable to get two of her sons to soccer practice at two different places in different sides of town. The practices are scheduled on at least 2 weeknights until 9 or 10 pm, depending on the kid. This mom is up each morning by 5:30 am. Her boys are up at 6:30 and 7. Although the boys were upset about missing practice, she knew she had to stop the insanity; she was so exhausted that she could barely keep her eyes open, never mind drive each boy across town and pick them up later in the evening. She rarely, if ever, says no to her kids activities, but this time, she said that she pretty much had no choice!

The other mom explained how she was always multi-tasking to get done as much as possible but yet never seemed to feel that she was accomplishing enough. She told about how difficult it is for her to just watch her kids play ball and how she often brought other things to do with her so she didn't feel guilty for just 'sitting there'. Oddly enough, during the same conversation she joked about how someday she'd probably look back and regret that she didn't really watch the game or connect with how her kids were playing.

In both cases, these super busy moms have a lot on their plate, maybe too much (but that's not for me or you to decide!). I wonder if they would've learning anything by observing themselves in this conversation, if they would've done things differently, what advice they would have given themselves if they were the listener or observer.

I think it's important to assess the activities that we and our kids are involved in. I often check with the coach or other representative even before signing up for something, to learn more about the practice and game schedule, travel involved, other expected commitments, the costs, and any other details I can find out. I let them know up-front about any potential conflicts I expect and how this might effect my child, the team, or themselves. Although I can't possibly plan or anticipate everything, this cuts down on quite a bit. I also have my children choose an activity per season so that we can see how it works into the existing schedule. If it fits, we consider it, but if not, there's more assessment necessary or the decision is made that they won't participate in the new activity. I try really hard not to get caught up in the thinking that my kids must participate at the 'extreme' level or they won't get onto the HS teams or into a good college. Consciously choosing activities based on the information we can consider helps us make better informed decisions.

Being really honest with yourself, your spouse, and your kids about your limits (and theirs) is critical for your sanity and well-being. Over-committing is never a good solution for anyone!

Best regards,

Coach Natalie