Improve your Sex Life!

With just about everyone having too much on their plate these days, we all have Obsessive Distraction Disorder (O.D.D.). Distractions pull us away from what we say is important to us.

As I was getting dressed on Saturday morning, I caught a short segment on the CBS Early Morning show featuring Dr. Jenn Berman, a well-known Psychotherapist. The piece was about putting sex back in your marriage (something many are too distracted to do!)

Dr. Jenn Berman shared 5 keys to "Getting Heat Back Between Those Sheets". These tips closely align with the need to Assess what's on your plate; Integrate with what matters most; and Maintain the Alignment going forward. One of the key problems is that we are exhausted and over-stressed because we over-schedule our lives. This effects our ability and desire to be intimate in the bedroom. To better balance, say "No" more often so that you have more time, energy and interest to say "Yes" to your relationship. Ultimately everytime you say "yes" to something you are indeed saying "no" to something else. Be aware of this so that you can pace yourself and avoid tapping out your energy before you get to your partner.

She also mentioned the importance of communicating without placing blame. Personally, I've found that something I learned when watching my wedding video 19 years ago and listening to a toast by our Uncle Steve..."Your marriage needs two important things to thrive and they can be summed up with the initials P U. You need patience and understanding." I've lived by this and also treat my husband and our relationship with the utmost respect that it deserves.

For a marriage to succeed in these times when everyone seems to have too much on their plate, it takes conscious effort! Other tips from Dr. Jenn Berman may be viewed at the video online at: http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2009/08/15/earlyshow/saturday/main5244010.shtml?tag=cbsnewsSectionsArea.9 .


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How Hungry are YOU?

After posting about needs and hungers last week, a number of people contacted me asking for more information. The important thing to note is that there are both healthy and unhealthy ways to feed your hungers; hungers are not necessarily BAD. Hungers may often masquerade as one of your highest ideals, values or desires. Some of your hungers may be very easily satisfied while others may return routinely, thus, creating a constant theme in your life.

Hungers operate at different intensities. Knowing the level a particular hunger is driving you, will be helpful in finding the most healthful ways of feeding it.

For example, if you are starving/famished you are likely deprived of a key component necessary for life. If your hunger is at this high level of intensity, chances are that you may need professional therapy to intervene because at this level there is a sense of desperation. You must have and will do anything to feed the need.

The next level of intensity, craving, exhibits a high demand and/or begging. At this level, there is still some level of danger that may benefit by professional therapy because one may do many things to get this hunger met, including (but not limited to) sacrificing your own integrity. If you do not feel at a level of choice, seek professional help!

The next three levels are less intense and may be able to be resolved with the help of a trained coach or perhaps on your own through your personal support network. At the Hungry level you must have it, if not immediately than relatively soon; the hunger is somewhat under control but on the verge of taking over your life. The Longing For level is an experience of regular and continual absence of the need because you have grown so accustomed to it not being fed. The danger here is that it is still there, in the background, and can easily intensify once allowed the presence of that need. Lastly, Having an Appetite For, is a healthier place of preference and some choice. It is the beginning of noticing that there is a deficiency. If you were to notice it at this low level and take some immediate action to take care of the feeding the need, then the other, more intense levels are short-circuited.

At the lowest level, a hunger is a mere whisper. You can usually avoid the compulsive, out of control feelings of the more intense levels just by simply recognizing the need and giving it a nugget or morsel to feed on.

Think about the emotional hungers you long for...do you have the need to feel safe, feel valuable?; to be right, to be appreciated?; to receive respect or love? If so, these are just some of the hungers I have worked on with my clients to help them find healthful ways to resolve in their life.

Are You Hungry?

Often when I am working with a client 1-1, we work on identifying their needs. Sometimes because of the nature of needs being something we crave deeply, especially when they are not being met, I refer to them as (emotional) hungers.

A number of years ago when I was teaching at the Coach Certification Institute (an organization which unfortunately no longer exists!), we helped others learn about the importance of hungers and the impact they have on our lives. They were referred to as hungers because they are propelled by a very strong instinctual drive; they operate with an almost primitive intensity and compel us to feed them at all costs, even if what we feed them is not the best nourishment for us. For example, a person who has an unmet need for attention, will do almost anything in order to feed that emotional hunger, similarly to when you come home after working all day but not eating a thing and reaching for whatever is handy to immediately meet that need.

Unmet hungers are dangerous because when they are not recognized and nourished appropriately, they can easily direct all of your available energy and attention towards getting the hunger fed, even if you do not realize it is happening! Hungers can totally distract you from the things you value and the life you truly want to lead. When someones actions are not aligned with what they say they want, there is a huge chance that there is an unfed or misfed hunger is operating in their life.

It is important to realize that you may need an outside observer to help you identify which hungers drive you. As a professional coach, I have a variety of tools and resources at my disposal to help my clients first identify and then work to resolve existing hungers. Once hungers are identified, the next important step is to find consistent and nourishing ways to feed them. When your hungers are well fed, you are released from their compulsion.

Stay tuned for more about needs and hungers in the weeks ahead in this Blog and in my free weekly e-newsletter. You can subscribe at http://www.nrgcoaching.com/ or by clicking here.