Defraying Stress

The Top Ten Ways Working Parents Can Defray Stress

By Natalie Gahrmann, The Priority Pro

Between work demands, caring for your children, and seeing to everyday matters and responsibilities there is little time left to take care of yourself. So, many working parents put off time for their own needs and desires. However, you are a key influence on your child's development, so the amount of stress you are experiencing in your work, family and personal life has a direct impact on them. Here's some tips to help defray the stress and help you consciously take better care of yourself.

1. Breathe deeply

Bring in the air through your nose, deep down into your belly and out through your mouth in a slow relaxed fashion at least two-three times to help re-focus, re-center and relax.

2. Take in Relaxing Smells

Aromatherapy oils, herbal teas or scented candles are all relaxing to the olfactory system.

3. DAYDREAM, MEDITATE AND CONNECT WITH NATURE

Visit places and experience them newly. Or, give your mind a mental break by simply imagining you are somewhere else and creating a visual image and experience in your mind of being there. Either way, fully connect with your surroundings by noticing sounds, smells and textures. Relax your spirit and body using soothing music and warm lights.

4. Avoid Overextending Yourself

Stop saying "yes" too often to requests of your time, money, energy or other resources. Say "no" to things and people as a way of honoring you. Allow yourself a chance to think about the request before acepting the invitation. Bow out later if the commitment is contributing too greatly to your stress.

5. Eat Healthy Foods

Eat foods and drink beverages that nourish your body and soul.

6. Participate in a hobby or sport

Create an outlet for relaxation that you truly enjoy doing. Use your creativity to write, sculpt, knit, paint, etc. Use physical activities or daily exercise rituals to help "blow off" steam both physically and mentally.

7. lighten up

Smile, laugh and just be friendly to others. Friendliness goes far and helps you feel good about yourself. Humor lightens up tension. Notice how laughter is contagious, too. People are more naturally attracted to people who seem happy, positive, enthusiastic, and excited about life. Stop taking things so seriously all the time and lighten up a bit.

8. Enlist help from others

Learn to ask for and accept help (even when things are not done to your high standard level!) You will gain by delegating and allowing others to help, even when things don't turn out exactly as they would have if you completed the task yourself. Allow yourself to be nurtured by your friends and family.

9. Spend Quality Time with Your Children

Have fun and interact with your children. Be fully present with them. Truly listen to what they have to say and connect on a deeper level.

10. Get Romantic

Stimulate your body's release of endorphins by reading a romance novel, or better yet, curl up with your spouse/significant other or make love.

Re-Group when things are Chaotic

Lately I have felt like I've had more on my plate than usual. Working on a presentation for an entrepreneurial group, editing my audio book, revising my website, re-branding my company, serving present clients, contacting potential clients, writing my e-newsletter, writing some new articles, taking training for my own professional development and getting certified in a new tool I can administer for my clients, and so much more. Whew! No wonder why I feel so busy!

Several indicators tell me when it is time to re-group. First, I began feeling overwhelmed. Second, I was losing or mis-placing things. Third, I felt this incredible sense of not accomplishing anything. And, fourth, and likely the most important, my family noticed.

My husband recognized that I was always busy going to meetings, on the phone, on the computer but not connecting with him in our usual way. My daughter told me that she thought my work was more important than she was (ouch!) and my son got into some trouble. My exercise fell halfway off the schedule. Fortunately, I was working out 7 days a week doing running or walking for 10-15 miles weekly and a strength training video 2-3 days. Cutting out some of my exercise tended to make me de-energized and I ate more unhealthy foods.

When things start feeling chaotic, they probably are. So, before they get even further out of control. Take a break! Re-group and realign with what is most important to you, to your professional goals, and to your family. Make conscious choices and postpone, defer, delegate or remove some of the activities keeping you busy. Decide if you really need to be as busy as you are because if you're busy doing the wrong things it really will not drive the results you are after.

Begin working smarter! It is not enough to get things done and check them off your list; you really need to be getting the right things done for that sense of accomplishment and improved results.

Get Into Focus

Many people feel scattered and unfocused either at home or work, maybe even both! Usually this happens when there tends to be a lot on your mind. If you have ever gone upstairs to get something then forgot what you came up to get; went to the grocery store but did not purchase what you went there to buy; put something down and then could not find it anywhere; or, double-booked a meeting, then you know the frustration of losing focus. Loss of focus can happen when any type of distraction occurs.


To help stay more focused, have clearly defined (written) goals and align your work with your goals.

• Start with a clear vision.


• Write your goals in actionable statements.


• Align your daily actions/behaviors specifically to your goals.


• Execute based on your priorities.

Self-Discovery Questions

Yesterday in my e-newsletter and Blog I provided some practical principles and strategies for self renewal. Here are some questions to help you get started. Working with a professional coach will also help you create the structure and accountability to transform yourself and align with your top priorities. Contact Coach Natalie to discuss how coaching can help you.

Empowering Self Discovery Questions:

· How do I want to reinvent myself?

· What will I do if people don't accept the new me?

· How can I help people understand the new me?

· What skills, talents and qualities do I wish to reuse?

· How can I use these skills, talents and qualities with the new me?

· Do I want to use these traits immediately or in the future?

· What past events in my life would I like to reexamine and explore?

· What can I learn and put into practice from past experiences?

· What tools can I use to renew myself?

· How would I like to see myself in a week, a month and a year from now?

· What else can I do to reinvent, renew, reexamine and transform my life so that I will enjoy it to the fullest?

Avoidance Tactics are Really just your own Distractions at Work

I have found that there are certain tasks I really do not enjoy doing. Most of these things are those items I am really not naturally very good at. For example, managing my bookkeeping is something I dread. I usually avoid the electronic files and just cannot seemed to get focused to do them. In my mind, I am just not good at it. So, I avoid it. I really hate doing it!

Avoidance is a distraction in itself. By avoiding doing these tasks we are actually procrastinating! In most cases, procrastination is letting the low-priority tasks get in the way of high-priority ones. For example, it is socializing with colleagues when you know that an important work project is due; watching television rather than doing your household chores; or talking about unimportant things with your partner rather than discussing your relationship concerns or other important issues. In my case, it is more simply ignoring the low priority activities with hopes that they will eventually just go away!

So, in the meantime, my standards have declined. I used to keep an absolutely clean home and well organized office. Instead, I let it slip because I was focusing on my higher level priorities. I also realized that my standards were set too high and were unrealistic. Unfortunately, though the result is that I zap a lot of my energy working in a cluttered space and being dissatisfied about how my house or office looks. One solution is to hire someone else to do it; this is called outsourcing. However, these are things I do not want to outsource because I like to handle them myself and have the family share in the responsibility.

On the other-hand, managing my books and database is something that can be outsourced. I have taken some classes, updated my programs, and had some 1-1 but still feel resistant to doing these tasks. These are the types of activities that are essential for me to do as a business owner.

Delegating and outsourcing are great solutions for those tasks you really don't want to do! Now it is time for me to follow my own advice and hire (or barter) for these services. Anyone know a good administrative assistant?

Stay Focused During Extreme Times

In today’s volatile and uncertain economy fears abound across many industries and professions throughout the US and abroad. People fear losing their job, their home, their financial savings, and their health.

This fear has immobilized many people and caused a sharp decrease in workforce productivity. It is very difficult for people to concentrate on the task-at-hand when they have so many concerns. We are indeed living in challenging times. These are times of uncertainty but life will continue.

Now is the time to focus like never before, to determine what’s really most important to you, and how you can best proceed. It’s a time to take fate into your own hands and be in control of your life. Rather than feeling like a victim, create your paths, secure your future, do what you need to do to help overcome your fears.

Fear is an indication to do something. Doing nothing or ruminating about all the possible scenarios can keep you stuck. There are very few guarantees in life. You may need to take some risks to take control. Determine for yourself the degree of risk you can handle and make choices based on this. Find ways to keep your productivity high as well as the quality of your work so that your self-esteem doesn’t suffer unduly.

These are days of extreme and often irrational pessimism. The way to survive this crisis is to stay focused on the fundamentals. The benefit to you is less stress, more control. The benefit to the economy and to businesses is that productivity and standards don’t suffer.

What's your fears telling you to do different or do differently??

Overscheduled Kids leads to Over-Stressed Families

Teachers handed out an article last week at back-to-school night without identifying where the story came from. However, the article, "Kids call for a Time Out" stated the problems over scheduled families face and gave a tried and true solution..."Just say no".

My children are involved in activities. Early on, my husband and I set limits on how many and how much they can be involved with at any one time with the caveat the school always comes first and any drop in grades will result in changes in their extra-curricular schedule. Admittedly, there have been times along the years that we had the same conflicts in scheduling, transportation and other conflicts that other families also face. However, my children have learned to make choices!

My 11 year old daughter was a competitive gymnast up until last year. She took up dancing to help enhance her gymnastics presentation and skills. Ultimately, she liked dancing so much that she's elected to drop from the gymnastics team and devote more time to dancing. She originally wanted to take 5 nights of classes but in re-thinking opted for 4 nights, with usually just 1 class a night. We are involved in carpools and the dance school is conveniently located about a mile from our home. Next year, she'd like to try out for cheerleading. She wanted to try out last year but due to an already pressed schedule, chose not to.

My son is also involved in extra-curricular. During the spring he participates in a non-travel baseball team and in the fall/winter he is in a youth basketball league. We chose these because his main interest is motocross, which is usually a weekend activity. He, too, has learned to make choices based on his primary interests. The basic rule of thumb is up to 2 activities at any one time if they don't conflict. Prior to registering, we ask allot of questions about the schedule and commitment.

A growing number of parents are avoiding over-scheduling their kids because they think the hyper-scheduling has gone too far. Now a Minnesota group has set up a website www.FamilyLife1st.org to help parents curb their children's' crazy schedules. This group receives new inquiries daily as an increasing number of parents are ready to refocus their lives and the lives of their children.

How about your children...are they over-scheduled?

Taming Email

Email is the number one distraction for most people at work! People complain of burgeoning in-boxes from recipients expecting an instant response, address lists including unnecessary recipients, and large volumes of unsolicited emails. Our society in general has placed a high value and unrealistic expectations on immediate access and response. Taming e-mail means training senders to put the burden of quality back on themselves to use better judgment when sending emails, minimizing the number of words in a message, being more descriptive in the subject line to summarize the gist of the message or action needed, making action requests clear, and determining who needs to receive the message rather than copying everyone.

It wasn’t long ago that SPAM mail was the biggest email problem, however, with added filters and spam-blockers the numbers have decreased thus making it a little easier to manage. Fortunately, these messages are easy to spot and can be deleted pretty quickly! Regrettably, the number of emails received on an average day continues to increase. Better management of the inbox and improved decision-making will help. Also, putting some systems in place to help you manage your email overload will make a recognizable difference. Here are a couple of quick tips:

• Only check e-mail at defined times each day.
• Train people to be relevant so that they only send you emails when they pertain to you.
• Answer briefly while providing context upfront in your message as to the nature of your reply.
• Send out delayed responses by inserting a scheduled delay in when your typed response will actually be sent.
• Ignore it and trust that if it’s important you’ll hear about it again.
  Organize your follow-up list and respond based on priority.

What are your techniques for controlling your inbox??

Is Sarah Palin ready to be the next VP?

Pretty much everywhere I go and in many of my phone conversations, women are talking about Sarah Palin's nomination to the VP spot on the Republican ticket. Never before have I heard so many diverse people voice their opinions and concerns about an election. Her election has provoked many conversations and reactions not only in the US, but around the world!

I was interviewed on News Radio 740 KTRH located in Houston, TX in a show that aired this past Monday. They inquired about my opinion regarding working mothers. So, I wonder, is the controversy about her election into the VP candidate position really about her experience, her family responsibilities, her views on the issues, her ability to perform the job duties, or perhaps, something else or a combination of sorts?

The question I keep hearing is "What is a woman with five children, including an infant with Downs Syndrome, doing seeking the Vice Presidency of the United States?"

My initial reaction is that if this were a man (and many men have had families while holding high public office!) it would not be discussed as an issue. In an election year where Hillary Clinton nearly became the first Presidential candidate women have been more involved emotionally and mentally from the onset of this campaign.

I've heard this issue characterized as a gender bias issue and also sexist. I've heard people across the country question whether a mother of five would have a hard time fulfilling the duties of the second highest office in the country. I've also heard people question her commitment to her family and what's in the best interest of her children.

The real issues should be about whether or not any candidate can fulfill the oath of their position. Do they have the experience, knowledge, resources to handle their job responsibilities? Will their be conflicting demands and priorities that might interfere with the duties of the position? If so, how will they be handled? What if she became pregnant again while in office?

Women have successfully worked for years in positions of varying responsibilites and visibility. Working mothers have led successful companies, states, towns, hospitals, and universities. Is the Vice Presidential position such a position that lends itself to the work-life balance needs of a working mother (and soon-to-be grandmother)?

Many career opportunities are available today for women who seek a career outside the home. With work-life balance being a top concern of employers and employees since the 60's, much has been done to address the needs and provide a variety of approaches for helping people manage. Is the government ready to address ths at such a high level? If so, what will this do for working mothers across the Country?

One concern that's come up for me is that although much of what I initially read and heard about Sarah Palin described her husband as a caretaker for their children and a stay-at-home dad, the more recent news describes him as an oil field production operator, a commercial fisherman, and professional snowmobile racer who spends extended periods away from the home. His work requires that he spend most of his time out at sea or traveling at high speeds over frozen tundra.

No mention has been made of extended family or a support network of friends who have helped in the past with child rearing (or other home-based responsibilities) or might be available in the future if Mrs. Palin becomes the Vice President of the United States of America. There is no dispute that young children do need the time and attention from their parent(s). In my opinion, how Sarah Palin cares for her children is really more of a personal decision but one which deserves attention from the point that, if elected, she would hold the highest office of any woman in the US. And, if the elected President, John McCain had any issues that prevented him from fulfilling his duties, Sarah Palin would become the first female President of the US. Is she ready? Is America ready? Is the world ready?

Is this discussion and the questions raised sexist or realist? What are your views??

Workplace Distractions

Robin Fogel, a fellow Executive and Career Coach, recently published the following in her monthly newsletter and granted me permission to share it here. To learn more about Robin visit, http://www.coachrobinfogel.com/.

Whether it is the workplace or life in general, our modern existence seems to demand that we get more done. Yet while we are being asked to accomplish more, there are also greater distractions. Multitasking was originally praised as one solution, a way to accomplish more, a way that we could be more efficient. Recent scientific findings are now reaching the opposite conclusion; multitasking is not making us more productive, in fact it may be reducing productivity. Now, in a new book by Maggie Jackson, "Distracted: The Erosion of Attention and the Coming Dark Age", the author writes that constant interruptions have hurt workers' ability to focus. She says that, "roughly once every three minutes, typical cubicle dwellers set aside whatever they are doing and start something else". She writes that these constant interruptions consume as much as "28% of the average US worker's day, including recovery time, and sap productivity to the tune of $650 billion a year".

While the costs to businesses are enormous there are personal costs as well. A recent study found that those workers who are regularly interrupted expressed greater frustration, and felt greater pressure and stress over their inability to get their work done.

Ms. Jackson wrote that if we "jump on every e-mail or ping; we'll have trouble pursuing our long term goals". So, as you read this article, if you are also checking your voicemail, talking to a
co-worker or toggling between websites, remember that it is the ability to focus and complete one task at a time that will increase your productivity and have you feeling less frustrated. And remember to close your office door, if you have one, for some uninterrupted work time. Turn off the email alert beeper on your computer, and make it clear that you are not to be disturbed unless there is a true emergency.

The late Peter Drucker, author of "The Effective Executive", once wrote, "To be effective, every knowledgeable worker, and especially every executive needs to dispose of time in fairly large chunks...to have small dribs and drabs of time at his disposal will not be sufficient even if the total is an impressive number of hours."

Conquer Challenges of Work & Family

As life continues to speed up around you and technology provides opportunities for you to do more, many people feel further away from living a balanced life. One of the central concerns of all working professionals is to live a balanced life. Your life, however, is fluid and in constant motion, therefore the challenges you face are continually shifting and evolving. You must find the formula that works for you and avoid the should's, could's, and have to's because they reflect someone else's standards rather than your own.

You must learn to look, not for a solution, but for a process, a way of addressing your challenges and issues that you can use over and over as each issue arises. Just as you weigh the pro's and con's of each course of action at work, you set goals and objectives, you organize your work, you delegate, and, you communicate, you must learn to bring this level of concentration, focus and discipline to your life at home. Interestingly, the same skills that contribute to your success on the job and make you a valued, productive employee, are the skills you also need to manage your home life and to achieve a healthy balance.

Some of the common challenges facing working professionals today include: time for self, relationships and family; being able to organize at home and work; sticking to priorities; professional development and career growth; societal standards; conflicting demands; and sheer exhaustion. You can combat some of these challenges by:

• keeping a healthy perspective
• rethinking the 'should's, 'could's, 'have to's, 'ought's and 'if only's in your life
• acknowledging and accepting your reality and current situation
• recognizing your limitations
• having a positive attitude
• aligning your actions and handling of every day tasks and demands with what's truly most important to you (seek the joy in life and you'll end up feeling balanced and happy)
• committing to making changes to simplify your life and eliminate habits that no longer serve you.

The stress of balancing work and personal life can make you feel out of control. It can negatively affect your health and self-esteem. Feeling in control increases your ability to cope and feel better about yourself. The end result is that you can be a more productive worker and a more loving parent and partner.

Use driving time

Lately I’ve been attending more meetings, events, conferences and tapings than normal so I’ve been spending more time on the road commuting to and from locations than I usually do. It is a good reminder for me that this time can feel totally wasted or effectively used, depending on how you spend it. You have numerous options how to use your commuting time. Here are a couple of things that come to mind:

• Relax. Do nothing and feel good about it!
• Practice deep breathing.
• Do Kegal exercises (or other exercises or stretches you can safely perform while driving).
• Catch up on phone calls (using a headset or speakerphone, of course!)
• Listen to music—your choice, highly energizing or soft and relaxing.
• Create a to-do list.
• Sing!
• Dictate into a tape recorder.
• Observe nature, people, cars, billboards, etc. Be really present in the moment.
• Change your clothes (not highly recommended! I used to do this on my commute from the office to the college when I was working on my masters).
• Eat (be careful though, some foods adapt better to eating on the go than others!)
• Drink—non-alcoholic, of course!. (I recommend keeping a bottle of water in your car at all times. If it’s there, you’re more likely to drink it)
• Plan your meals.
• Create your shopping list.
• Put on make-up (while the car is stopped at a light or in traffic, of course!)
  Spend some quality time with your children (if they’re commuting with you. Children are more likely to talk and share information when you’re not able to look them right in the eye).
• Find another route. Explore other roads less traveled.
• Carpool with a friend and really get to know him/her.
  Rest your eyes (not while your car is moving but when you are stopped briefly).
• Do errands along the way to avoid extra trips out.
• Play a game (even if no one else is in the car with you! I’ve stopped boredom a number of times by noting license plates from other states, counting convertibles, etc.).
• Practice a conversation or speech.
• Listen to an inspirational audio.
• Take an audio class for personal or professional growth.
• Flirt!
• Wave to someone in another car.
• Plan a date.
• Phone home. Find out if anything is needed. Get a feel for everyone else’s mood so that you can adjust yours accordingly.
• Read (only if someone else is driving!)
• Knit (only if someone else is driving!)
• Clip coupons (only if someone else is driving!)
• Just look out the window.
• Have a crisis (not highly recommended! Be sure you have enough gas, oil and other fluids, the right tire pressure, working lights and windshield wipers, etc. Have some extra cash and coins on-hand. Have a snack and drink readily available. Have a first-aid kit, emergency supplies, a map, a working phone, and anything else you can think of on-hand to avoid having a crisis to or from work. Either will totally ruin your day!)
• Unwind from a stressful morning on your commute in. Be thankful that you’re away from the craziness of home!
• Unwind from a stressful day at work. Be thankful to be reuniting with your family after a busy day on-the-job.

With a list this long, I’m sure you’ll find some things to do during your commute, so, consciously choose how you want to use your commuting time. Avoid letting circumstances rule your time. Try out some of the ideas above, create some new one (and share them with me, of course!)

Basic Tips for Managing Multiple Projects

I searched the Internet last week to develop a list to present at a workshop I was preparing for a client. Unfortunately, I cannot recall the sources but I want to share the following:

Basic Tips for Managing Multiple Projects

1. Before you check your voice mail or email each morning, list what you would like to accomplish today. Be realistic about how much and what you can really accomplish in any given day. Prioritize what needs to be completed immediately and what can wait until later in the day.

2. Once you have your prioritized list, and depending on the type of work you do, either get a top priority completed (even just a major step!) or check your messages to see what's come in since you left the office. Write down all the pertinent information (e.g., request, contact info). Determine a time in your day when you will return messages. Reply with detailed messages whenever possible to derail the telephone tag which could ensure when you and your contact keep leaving messages for each other. This saves a huge amount of time and frustration! Reprioritize your list based on the messages you received.

3. Stay organized. Being organized will diminish stress levels. Keep project or client info well organized and easy to locate. Have only one project or file on your desk at a time so that you can stay focused on the task at hand. Avoid multi-tasking because this causes you to bounce around from project to project.

4. At the end of the day, list what you didn't accomplish. Have this list be the basis for your next day's to-do list. When you begin this process again tomorrow, you can prioritize what's on your list again and complete the most important activities. Get your projects under control!

Fighting Fires isn't Sexy

For those of you with more on your to-do list than you have time to do, it could be quite difficult to decide which projects get your time and attention. Getting focused is the top challenge most super busy managers struggle with. I have learned so much about this problem first-hand dealing with it as I balance my roles as mother, wife, friend, daughter, sister, and more with that of being an entrepreneur. I have now created and delivered a highly effective workshop "There's Too Much on my Plate" to help others manage their work more effectively rather than constantly fighting fires by handling the crises that come there way on a regular basis.

Some highly recommended and very effective techniques I teach about include:

1. Choose the RIGHT priorities

Here I refer to the 80:20 rule and apply it to managing your workload. Don't be so busy doing lots of the things that will detract you from doing the things that matter most. 80% is trivial but 20% is vital. Focus on your 20% with 80% of your time and energy. Work smarter! Focus the majority of your time and energy on activities that advance your overall goals and purpose. Anything else on your to-do list is likely a distraction!

2. Ask Yourself the RIGHT questions

Rather than asking about how you'll be able to get everything done, ask what steps will help you achieve your goals, how the activity or project ties into the bigger picture, when critical hand-offs need to occur and other such questions that more closely align with your goals and objectives.

3. Be in Control

Manage your day rather than reacting to other's needs and priorities and putting your own priorities on the back burner. Don't be fooled to believe that you'll be able to get to your stuff once you've gotten through everyone else's because that rarely, if ever really happens. Learn to negotiate and ask better questions, to push back, and to set clear boundaries.

Fighting someone else's fires places your time and energy with them. When someone needs your help and tries to make their priority your priority, remember that by reacting you are giving up your power. Instead, if reasonable, politely let them know that you will gladly help them out later once you've finished your own work. Focus on your priorities first!

A Secret for Self Control

Often, when I am presenting a workshop or keynote presentation or when I am working with individual coaching clients, a distinction comes up that immediately and more effectively helps everyone better manage their workload, stress level, and building healthier relationships. This distinction is respond vs. react.

When we react, we act impulsively; responding to a stimulus, often without thinking. However, when we respond, we pause, reflect, think about possible consequences to our actions, and choose a more favorable reply or action.

For example, Catherine's daughter spilled her milk by accident. Catherine's initial reaction was to yell and scream at her but when she paused she kept things in perspective and provided her daughter with some towels to clean up the mess without damaging words, threats, or accusations. Her daughter apologized, cleaned up the mess the best she could, and promised to be more careful the next time. In past situations, when Catherine yelled and screamed, her daughter cried, the situation escalated and Catherine said many things she later regretted. Catherine ended up sending her daughter to her room while Catherine cleaned up the spilt milk on her own.

In another situation, Bill (who was already overloaded with projects at work) was given yet another project with a tight deadline. Although he normally reacted by taking on the project and walking away angry and frustrated and then working round the clock to get things done, instead he chose to respond and ask more questions about the project and where it fit in with everything else he was already doing. His boss helped him prioritize this new project with everything else already on his plate. He gave some of the more menial tasks to someone else so that he could concentrate on the higher level skills needed to get the project moving. They negotiated the timeline and made it more reasonable.

Reacting to a situation vs. responding...you choose what works for you! Practice responding to experience this higher level of self control.